The Interview

Initial am scris articolul asta pt Cracked.com, dar nefiind dovedit stiintific nu l-au acceptat.
Il pun aici, ca sa nu fi muncit o ora degeaba:


6 Pointless HR Job Interview Questions (And why they're so stupid)

Inspite of the fact that I never had any job in my life, I can write this article because I am, you know, just fucking omniscient.

Like God, except he is not that funny.

1. Why do you want to work for our company?

So, in front of you there is this gorgeous blonde that works for the HR department. Obviously you are there for the money. You know it. She knows it. (And I, as I already told you, am omniscient)
What should be your aproach to this question, other than grinding your teeth desperately trying to avoid the word "money"? Or "cash". Or "dollars". Or the fucking hardcore "paycheck".
This is one of the shitties question they could ask. It's driven only by their own megalomania, because they know there is just one thing you could say: how great and fucking known and heaven-like their company is.

Your answer: It's only honey and milk here, i've heard...only honey and milk...

So, given your only possible answer, the needlessness of this question is transparent. I could only suggest you to be hardcore and simply say: "I've heard the babes are really hot!" And wink dickishly .

2. What's the most difficult situation you had to face at your previous job?

Should you tell them about how you omitted to do backups and almost all the business died because of data loss after a hard drive failure?
Or about the time you got really drunk and gave away your company's laptop for some beer and had to lie about it being stolen? These were hard times for you, but an honest answer to this question won't get you far in life.
So here is what you, and all other people answer:
"What seemed to be a quiet and usual day turned out to be an unusual and pretty loud day. Because of the fire, everybody in the company was panicking, but i kept my coolness and calmness. I extinguished the fire and also sold fifty products in the same time. I am fucking gold to that company, I tell you. FUCKING GOLD."

This is you. Just being yourself.

Yet another question that is pointless because it doesn't give you any chance to be honest. You know you have to tell them how cool you are (they will think you are a jerk anyway).

3. How would you define yourself as a person?

Well, you can't tell them you're a grudging corny rapist with bad breath, can you?

Or maybe you can, but you could as well show them the finger.

This is, once again, a question that you cannot respond with honesty. Even the arrogant prick that you are is aware that there are more down-sides than up-sides to his personality.
It's simply another pointless question, that will test your creativity:
"I think I'm just that type of a guy, you know, that doesn't let go and manages to succeed in every given situation. I am enthusiastic and funny and friendly and absolutely not interested in a big salary and stealing my superior's job (or wife)"

The downside of you,as you described it: always available.

4. How do people find you?

Your answer is once again predictable:
"People think I'm just that type of a guy, you know, that doesn't let go and manages to suceed in every given situation. They think i am enthusiastic and funny and friendly and absolutely not interested in a big salary and stealing my superior's job (or wife). That's what they think, yes sir".

People.

5. What are your virtues?

WEll, if you don't forget to mention the length of your dick, then we have an interesting situation here.
A comparison perhaps? With a completely not dull excel chart centralizing all the answers?

Size matters.

But, you will probably forget. And this inexplicable amnesia of yours will transform this HR question in one of the most pointless questions in the history of mankind.

There are no points here either.

6. What are your hobbies?

Given that you are a male, your answer could be only "Sex".
If you're a female, you would probably answer: "shopping" or "clothes" or "nails" or "gossip" or "madonna" or whatever.
These, friends, are not acceptable answers, and you know it.
So once again, you are forced to lie. One of the most common answers is mountain climbing, for example.

I'm so into climbing ...uh...Himalaya like mountains.

Doppelganger

De un singur lucru sunt mai sigur decat de inutilitatea UPB pe lumea asta: in timpul vietii mele nu voi inventa niciodata masina timpului. Doar ce mi-am propus ca, daca o voi inventa, atunci ma voi intoarce inapoi in timp fix in momentul premergator scrierii acestui articol si, ignorand cu nesimtire de bucurestean paradoxul spatio-temporal, mi-as da singur o palma rasunatoare peste viitoarea dubla ceafa chelioasa.
Apoi mi-as spune cu glas hotarat:
- Uite planurile pentru constructia masinii timpului.
Si din buzunarul stang as scoate planurile.


(A se observa ca transportul inapoi in timp reduce dimensiunea penisului la jumatate.)

Viitorul eu insa nu trebuie sa-mi subestimeze inteligenta. Chiar daca apare inexplicabil langa mine un tip chelios cu ceafa dubla si chiar daca doar ce urmeaza sa scriu despre o asemenea aparitie, sunt sanse minime sa cred cu adevarat ca am fost in stare sa inventez masina timpului.
Adica ce? Eu nu stiu cum stau lucrurile cu spatiul minkowski si pornografii d-astea politehniste? (Nu, nu stiu.)
Asa ca ii raspund:
- Daca un tren A pleaca din orasul A prim si din orasul B prim pleaca un tren B in aceeasi directie cu A...

Sunt intrerupt destul de brutal de eul viitor, impacientat.
- Uita-te dracu pe planurile alea!
- Stii ce fac eu cu planurile tale? ii raspund.

Iau planurile in mana si incep sa alerg nebuneste prin camera, cu hohote isterice de ras printre dinti. Viitorul eu ramane cu gura cascata, suficient cat sa-i var o parte din blueprint-uri pe gat, astupand niste injuraturi teribile:
- Ce m..................................mea, zice el, scuipand hartie, tu nu-ntelegi ca planurile astea sunt o mina de aur?

Ma opresc, brusc oripilat de o revelatie oripilatoare, dar avand inca un ranjet din ala handicapat in coltul gurii.
- Mina de aur zici?

Iau planurile si ma uit pe ele aparent interesat. Cu coada ochiului il urmaresc insa pe individ si cand nu-i atent ii trag un sut puternic in testicule.
In timp ce eul viitor se tavaleste pe jos imi vine o noua idee. Nu poate fi altceva. E aproape sigur.
In fata il am pe doppelganger. Venit sa ma omoare si sa-mi ia locul.

Doppelgangerul s-a ridicat si se uita furios la mine. Deschide gura sa articuleze ceva in timp ce in pumn strange convulsiv planurile masinii timpului. Le arunca si se napusteste cu mainile in gatul meu si incepe sa stranga. Apuc sa-i arat degetul mijlociu si rostesc cu ultima suflare:

- "De ce ma strangi in pumnul tau, copil frumos,
Tu nu stii oare ca-s mic si eu si ca ma doare?"

In acest timp ne inverzim amandoi, eu de la lipsa de aer, el de la propria existenta din ce in ce mai dubioasa. Pe fereastra vad un cer cenusiu cu o mare gaura ca de vierme in mijloc. As respira bucuros putin dar, in continuare cu un zambet retardat pe fata ma intreb: e oare gay sa faci sex cu doppelgangerul tau? E ca si cum te-ai masturba sau..?

N-o sa aflu niciodata, pt ca, aparent, nu m-am intors in timp inainte sa dau publish. Nici nu ma mir, daca stau sa ma gandesc la graficul de mai sus.